Power of Moms retreat - 2015

I’m not sure how I got to lucky, but I got to go out last weekend to attend and speak at the annual Power of Moms retreat in Park City.  The weather was absolutely gorgeous.   Utah looked so green compared with Boston!   

I love those retreats!  The power in that room full of 85 mothers is almost tangible.  I met so many amazing women, so deliberate in their mothering efforts.  All of them taking time away from their busy jobs as moms to step back and think about the job they’re doing.  I’m going away from it feeling full of ideas and inspiration. 

I’m on the plane home now and feel so inspired and excited about motherhood.  So ready to get back to my kids.  Certainly I’ll crash on re-entry but before I do I want to write some of the things that really struck me this time around, things I felt inspired to change in our home and in my mothering. 

Things are feeling a big broken in our family lately.  I was hoping to come away from the retreat armed with some ideas of how I could alter our family systems in order to help our kids behave better, respect more, clean more, obey more, fight less, work more, complain less etc etc etc.  But what I came away with instead was the desire to change things at the root.  Before swooping in and altering our systems or introducing new ones, new consequences, more rules, I need to take a good look at the foundation we have under us.  I feel pretty convinced that if our foundation isn’t built on love and enjoyment and positivity and praise anything we build on top of it will topple over.

I’ve been caught in a wave of negative mothering lately.  This weekend as I’ve been away I’ve realized that the way I see my children is muddy and mired.  Lately their weaknesses loom large in my mind, overshadowing so much that is good and strong and amazing about their little souls.  And since children really form their self image in the mirror of their parents perceptions, how I perceive them is critical to their wellbeing. 

How can I expect them to become their true selves if they can’t see themselves clearly.  Maybe my main job as a mother is to help my kids to see themselves clearly. 

So I’m going to work on altering my perception of them.  There is plenty of good stuff to see when that is my focus.  When I zoom out to see the bigger picture it’s easy to see them as beautiful, strong souls trying their best to figure out this world.  Pushing buttons, trying on behaviors, figuring out what pleases and what doesn’t, where the boundaries are.  That’s their job right now. These behaviors wont all spill into their adulthood.

Before changing any systems, clamping down on time outs, making a new and better list of family rules I want to make sure my kids know who they are.  I want to spend my energies right now figuring out how to create a more positive environment in my home.  A place where my kids can see themselves clearly because they stand firm on a foundation of love and acceptance. 

I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to do this, but I think it starts by lots more affection and genuine praise and lots less criticizing.  This is much easier to do with some children than others.  But the ones who make it difficult are the ones who need it the most.

I’m determined to see the good.  To offer them genuine praise.  To cut out the criticism.  To sandwich corrections with complements.  To stop being (at least visibly) annoyed by their silly behavior. 

I’m also more determined than ever to cut out lots of things that are non-essential to my priorities as a mother.  I want more space in my life to enjoy the present.  When I have more space in my life I’m able to see everything a little clearer.  I have more patience, more energy to look past the frustrations of the present to the bigger picture.  At the retreat my mom spoke about cutting your job down to the essentials.  She encouraged us to make a list of the essential mothering tasks that we want to accomplish and then figure out ways to either delegate or delete those things that don’t light us up, that don’t help us towards mothering the way we’d like to.  I love that challenge.  Delegating and deleting are both hard for me!

Last I’m going to work on taking in the good in my life as a mother.  In my presentation I talked about enjoying the present.  How changing your perspective, zooming into details and zooming out to a bigger picture can help you enjoy the present more fully.  I talked about this great book I read called Hardwiring Happiness, which explains why our brains are like “Velcro for the bad and Teflon for the good.”  How we can make all the good, beautiful stuff stick in our brains, changing the fabric of our brains to make us happier, calmer people.  Fascinating stuff.  I promise to write more about it sometime soon.  I’m loving teaching my children how to take in the good. 

I’m touching down.  Time to test all this out.  Even if re-entry is grueling (all the piled up laundry and kids who are a little mad that you left them) I’m all pumped up.  I feel like I have a clearer picture of what I want to accomplish, how I want to love.  

Thanks so much to my big sister Saren for creating Power of Moms.  A huge labor of love and dedication to supporting motherhood.  I love her.

Escaped.

 

Bless my mom forever for organizing a little sisters trip in the middle of February to Arizona.  This is exactly what my cold caged up soul needed.  Since Hazel does online school, and since she hadn’t seen her cousin Claire forever I decided to take her along with me.  We had quite a time, though today, facing all this grimy snow seems like a little slap in the face.  Spring will come, right?

Hazel was pretty darn excited about getting away.  We debated on the plane whether we were more excited about being together, seeing our long lost sisters and cousins, or trading snow for sunshine.  It was a pretty close race, but I think the sunshine won by a hair. 

It was really pretty glorious to feel heat from the sky again.  This winter in Boston makes you question whether the sun really does generate anything besides cold bright blinding light.  I was starting to feel pretty stuck in a winter funk, so this really was what my soul needed. 

But seeing my sisters and mother might have done even more good for my winter funk.  They are just full of light and knowledge and wisdom and we could talk for eternity without running out of stimulating conversation.  I recognize that loving your sister-friends so intensely is not always the case.  I feel so lucky that I was born into the same family as some of my dearest most inspirational friends.  Before everyone arrived Shawni and I had almost a whole day with our two girls.  Shawni took Claire out of school to come and pick us up and we went to lunch and hung out by the pool at the hotel my mom got for my sisters and I to stay in that night.   The girls played and swam while Shawni and I talked and then (being the oh so cool mothers that we are) we all got in the pool and made up a synchronized swimming routine together.  I think Claire and Hazel were delighted that we actually got our hair wet (I remember always being so excited when my mom got her hair wet in the pool).  It was so good to see Hazel so happy with Claire.  She’s been needing to connect after so many hours at home doing school online.  And Claire is the sweetest cousin you could ask for.  She took great care of Hazel while I got to go off with my sisters and mom.  I love cousin connections.  They are so important to our family since we’re so far away from family out here in Boston.

         And of course it was heaven to finally unite with these ladies.  We grabbed some take out and ate it at the hotel that night while we caught up on each others lives and talked about all the deep things caged up in our minds.  The next morning we went on a walk around the golf course (boy was I hot in all that navy).   And then we had a delicious breakfast buffet.  We get almost as excited about food as we do about sun and beauty and being together.  (Don’t you love Shawni’s plate of doughnuts?  I love that girl.) We spent the bulk of the day sitting by the pool and walking or swimming against the current on the lazy river.  The whole time we were going against the flow we were trying to analyze why it is we are always going against the current.  What part of our upbringing made us all want to take on so much all the time.  We talked about how we all want to learn how to be more present, how to enjoy the moment a little more, how to build more margins and slack into our lives.  It’s like a group therapy session when we’re together.  So great to talk through your issues with people with the same upbringing and genes.  After we got kicked out of our hotel we went on the most gorgeous hike/walk.  Through acres and acres of cactus and sage greenery.  It was a feast for my eyes to see green.  This may be the only time of year where Arizona looks brilliantly green to a Bostonian.  We couldn’t stop taking pictures, the light was so perfectly slanted.  God’s art so meticulous and breathtaking. Eyre sisters together get drunk with all that beauty.   I love being with people who let nature sink down into their souls and walk around incredulous at the astounding beauty around them. I think my sisters feel beauty the same way I do, and it’s so fun to drink it in together.      On Sunday we got to go to church with the Pothiers.  Wow, is that a different world!  They had a recently returned missionary speak and announced that he was one of 6 missionaries who have returned to their ward since January.  I think we’ve had 2 missionaries leave and come home in the history of our ward, ever.  Their ward was bursting with families all sort of in the same stage as Shawni.  I love where we are in Boston, but sometimes long for that kind of experience.

After church we had a little FHE with the Pothiers and then we cooked up a storm.  I love cooking with my sisters, and I loved working in that gorgeous kitchen.  All that space!  My cooking style didn’t seem as much like an explosion as it does in my little kitchen. 

On Sunday night we sat by Shawni’s outdoor fire and discussed this talk about Grace by Sheri Dew.  It was such a fantastic discussion.  I’d like to write more about it on here sometime.  My mom gave us all a copy of this print from the MOA at BYU.  It was painted by Frans Schwartz, a contemporary of Carl Bloch.  Isn’t it beautiful?  I love it, and I love the feelings from that discussion that it brings back.   On Monday we got to go with Shawni to her work out class.  I am still sore, three days later.  Wow, that’s good hard stuff.  It was fun to see a little bit into her life.  We also got to go and see my brother Josh in action in his school.  He is such a great teacher.  We asked those kids about him and they unanimously responded that he is the best teacher in the universe.  They said he has a good heart and makes learning fun.  Wish my kids could be in his class.  After sending Saren and Charity and my mom off to their homes Hazel and I got to stay an extra day in that sunny wonderland.  We had a great dinner on Monday night, a trip to Yogurtland for FHE and a great discussion with Dave.  Those guys are just good people. I loved being there with them, feeling the feeling in their home, observing their life for a bit.  I wish I lived closer, I would glean so much from watching them in action daily.       

On Tuesday morning Shawni and I climbed Camelback mountain (well almost climbed it).  It was cool and sunny and beautiful.  We could see the top, were about 10 min away from the summit when we decided we really should be responsible and get back so that we could have lunch with Claire at school.  Even though we didn’t make it to to the top, the views we got were pretty incredible and the feeling of climbing so high above life lead us to some great discussions.  I love that about hiking.      We got to bring this Claire girl some In n Out burgers and eat lunch in her cafeteria.  It was great to see what her school was like and meet some of her friends.  Hazel was a bit nervous about the whole thing, but she ended up feeling comfortable enough to tell Claire’s whole class about all the snow we have in Boston.  These girls are the best. It was hard to say goodbye to all that light.  Sunshine and warmth from the sky as well as from those brilliant women.  Made us wish we could live in Arizona….but maybe just for the winter. 

    

I want to remember all that wisdom we uncovered together as we talked about our lives, our struggles, our joys.  Here are a few things we discussed:

- Life needs to be lived in the present.  We are all trying this year to figure out how to enjoy life a little more.  How to slow down and live a little more in the moment.  Here are some ideas we brainstormed on how to do that:

- stop in the moment – figure out how to take yourself out of the picture in order to recognize how beautiful it is.  See the moment from the outside in.  It’s so much more beautiful with a little distance.

- Figure out ways to compartmentalize life.  Focus on just one thing a few times during the day.  Stop multitasking ALL THE TIME. 

- gratitude.  write about things you’re grateful for….keep a gratitude journal…..stop to point out the beauty of the moment

- we all find ourselves a little more present if we stop to take a picture…either with a real camera or with our hearts.  seeing your life in a picture makes you see how beautiful it is, even the hard parts.

- turn off technology.  leave your phone in one place.  don’t invite it to dinner.  turn it off. 

-watch your kids sleeping at night.  Another way to get above it all land recognize the real stuff in life.

- live in anticipation of the memory (need to write a whole post on this, i think I already have….great advice from my sister in law).  When things feel grimy and gritty and not so fun, recognize that it will be a beautiful (or at least meaningful) memory one day.

- We talked a lot about our worries and joys.  It’s always so great to process these things with wise and loving people who know you and are invested in your happiness.

-  Parenting.  I was able to run all my parenting worries by these wise souls.  I love having sisters further down the road from me to help me know what’s passing, what I should and shouldn’t worry about.  To give me ideas and inspiration from the trenches.  They had such great advice.  I especially love my mom’s perspective on mothering.  She is always reminding me that the most important things to remember when parenting are giving ownership and responsibility and loving those little people to death. 

- I got some great movie and book suggestions….I love knowing what my sisters are into and love.

- We discussed marriage and relationships and the importance of really trying to understand where our spouses are coming from, to really empathize even if their experience is vastly different than ours.  It’s so fun to talk about this since I think all of our spouses are trying to make sense of a lot of the same issues that we sisters all have in common, namely, high expectations.  I think all of our husbands are getting pretty good at ratcheting those down.  Jeff is forever telling me the key to happiness is low expectations.  It’s nice to commiserate with these girls and try to figure out what role high expectations play and when it’s better to lower them.

Ok, I've got to go.  Maybe more about all we talked about later.  I want to remember it all so much.

Coming back to Boston has felt a little like a slap in the face.  Everything looks so bleak and messy here after all that sunshine and order in Arizona.  But I’m also feeling renewed….inspired by all the ideas swirling in my head.  Committed to enjoying this life, even with all the snow banks.  And so grateful for a life full of sister-friends and a mom who has always cultivated our relationships and shown us the mark a strong woman can make on the world. 

Do-it-yourself Halloween

On Saturday I was working frantically on my computer trying to finish up some editing for a client when Emmeline came up to me, vying for my attention.  Her shockingly calm tone (she is not normally a calm girl) drew me out of my photo editing zone.  I could tell she was really trying hard to get this request right.   I looked right into her big brown eyes as she pleaded (for the umpteenth time that day) for me to help her figure out her Halloween costume.  

I started to feel a little frantic inside, thinking of all the expectations I had for myself for this Halloween. I wanted to ‘get it right’ -- delight my kids with effortful costumes, spooky decor, crafty pumpkins.  But then I remembered Halloween from 2011 and this post (see below) that I wrote.  It reminded me that too often we mothers take over holidays.  We worry about how they reflect on who we are as mothers.  We demand so much perfection from them that suddenly our kids get lost in the shuffle and the season becomes more of a display than a true holiday celebration.  I think because Halloween falls during such a crazy time for me, I actually do ‘get it right’.  And by that I mean I don’t do much.  I hand it over.  The kids take total ownership.  And while it’s not in the least bit picture perfect, it’s theirs.  And since they’ve never laid eyes on anything on Pinterest they are delighted by what they create.

So I trashed all my Halloween expectations right there, stopped my picture editing for a few minutes and told the kids how to find the Halloween box.  I edited for the rest of the afternoon, interrupted only by squeals of delight coming from the basement as the kids all tried on and assembled their Halloween costumes and put up their own version of spooky decor. 

Not sure if anyone will top the space squid from 2011…..but we’ve got some good stuff going on here.

So, I’m slacking off again this Halloween.  Please join me!  Let your kids take on some of your load.  I’m pretty sure that’s one of the secrets to being able to enjoy the holidays as a mom.  Things might not look so picture perfect, but we’ll all be smiling and that’s really the point. 

Here’s my repost from 2011. 

We had a do-it-yourself Halloween last year.

Now, you’re probably thinking I mean one of those Halloweens where the mother gets all crafty with Pinterest-inspired homemade decorations and costumes for each child that perfectly fit their current obsessions or go with a very cute overall family theme.  But that’s not at all what I mean.

When I say we had a do-it-yourself Halloween I mean that the kids did it themselves.

Life has been a blur around here, and when I realized how quickly Halloween was approaching and how many things I had on my plate, I just sort of let Halloween come.  I really didn’t do a thing.  No fancy costumes, no fancy decorations.  I bought three pumpkins and two bags of candy and dragged out the Halloween box from the basement.  That’s it.  The kids took over from there.

The kids put out the spooky snake wreath and smothered our dead mums with cotton cobwebs and fake spiders and were very pleased with the effect.  They even cleaned and carved and decorated their own pumpkins without any supervision.  I was sad not to do it as a family, but I was really behind on some projects and boy, that carving provided me with a whole afternoon of quiet time to get things done while the kids were happily engaged with their safe little pumpkin carving saws.

Charlie spent a whole day making his costume.  He was a space squid.  His costume consisted of his old astronaut suit from last year, a paper grocery bag, a tomato box, some other cardboard from the recycle bin and all the scotch tape in the house.  He looked a little more like some kind of space recycling activist or something.  We got some funny looks out trick-or-treating, but he was pleased as punch with his creation.  He went around the house singing, “Who you gonna call?  SPACE SQUID!!!”

Hazel dressed as Anne of Green Gables (with suspiciously brown hair).  We recently listened to the book on tape and Hazel has found her bosom friend.  She and Anne are the most kindred of spirits.  So, she felt it was only natural to dress like Anne for Halloween.  She knew exactly what she wanted to wear (a certain dress from her closet). I guess it does kind of look like something Anne Shirley would wear (before Matthew was so kind to get her her puffed sleeves).  The fact that I never got around to finding some red hair dye and a straw hat for her didn’t seem to bother her one bit.  She thought the dress and basket and braids would do the trick and everyone would know what she was going for.  And it worked out great.  Most people didn’t ask who she was, but those kind souls who did ask responded with such recognition and delight when she revealed her identity that she felt extra great about her costume.

Emmeline resurrected Hazel’s old Lady Bug costume from the costume box.  She knew she was the cutest lady bug around and strutted her stuff all over the neighborhood gathering candy. And Peter was a very cute pumpkin (Hazel’s idea the the neighbors had costume we could borrow).

After a dinner of black bean soup (thanks to my sister’s easy peasy Halloween dinner idea here) we met up with some friends and went in search of candy.  For the first year, my kids were all really excited about Trick-or-Treating and all the neighbors were so kind to them. We just did a few blocks and then their candy bags felt sufficiently heavy and we happily headed home with our loot.

At first, I felt pretty lame that I was so hands-off this year with Halloween. Maybe I could have at least helped Charlie find some better materials to make his costume. Maybe I could have squeezed in some time to find a hat or hair dye for Hazel. Maybe I should have helped the kids carve their pumpkins or make our house extra spooky and festive.  But, this year it just wasn’t in the cards.  And you know what?  Halloween was a big hit. The kids were perfectly happy – in fact they were delighted that I let them do everything their way this year. And because I wasn’t stressed out of my mind trying to pull something elaborate off, I was able to really enjoy it all as I stood back and applauded the kids’ efforts.

One of these years I’ll delight my children and have a do it MYSELF Halloween.  I promise.  But, I can’t promise I can improve on that space squid.

it’s not easy being cool.

Charlie has always been a poser : Charlie is kind of a poser.  He’s confident.  Self assured.  Comfy in his own skin.  He kind of just came that way.  Check out Elvis here and superman here and cool dude Charlie guy here.
We’re trying to figure out ways to teach him to wield his awesomeness for good.  Yes, we want him to be cool and confident, but mostly we want him to be good and kind.  We want to teach him to be a leader for the right, to watch out for the underdog.
So far, I’m not sure we’ve figured out how to do that.   It probably doesn’t help that I bought him a t-shirt that says “it’s not easy being cool” in Spanish, seems like a surefire way to plant him on the path to becoming a cocky frat boy. (It was only $2 at the children’s place and we’re trying to teach our kids more Spanish). When Jeff tried to translate the shirt for him he was very confused.  Here’s how the conversation went:
C: What do all these words mean on my shirt?
J: (translating word for word) “No is easy to be cool.”
C: I don’t get it.
J: Well it’s saying “it’s not easy being cool”
C: I still don’t get it.
J: You know, it’s saying that it’s not always easy to be a cool dude.
C: (exacerbated) Dad, I don’t get it!  It IS easy being cool.

Then, the other day I overheard Charlie talking to a younger friend.   Here’s the conversation:
C: Do you know how to ride a bike without training wheels?
F: No.
C: Do you know how to ride a bike with training wheels?
F: No.
C: Do you even know what a bike is?
Charlie is cool, no doubt, and he’s pretty confident.  And mostly he is kind and good and chooses the right.  Having a baby brother has especially drawn out his sweet, protective side.  But how do we make sure he heads down the right path and doesn’t turn into what Jeff calls a “frat boy”? 
I thank my lucky stars that he has so many uncles and uncles in law (9 to be exact) who are paving the way.  They are all confident and kind, successful and smart and good.  Plus he has two pretty incredible grandpas and one remarkable dad.  That’s all got to count for a lot.  
So, this is what is on my mind lately.  Boys are hard to raise and boy does the world need good boys.
Any ideas?  Anything that has worked for you?

Hazel’s Art Gallery

Hazel is my little artist.  She really truly loves creating things, and has such a spunky little style that is all her own.  She’s fascinated with art and artists and styles.  She’ll look through art books and sort of copy things, but add her own little flare.  Her favorite ap on my iphone is one that quizzes you on different artists and paintings.  She enjoys art museums.

I love it.  Love love love it.  And I want to indulge it.  The question is, what do you do to help your child pursue his/her talents.  And, how do you even know if it’s a talent, maybe it’s just a passing phase, or maybe I’m just an overly proud parent?  This last question is a larger question, one I've had spinning around in my head for a few years, and I don’t know the answer.  I want to be really proactive as a parent in helping my children pursue their interests and develop their talents.  But, there’s such a find balance between exposing your kids to things to determine interest/talent and over programming them with so many pursuits that they don’t have time to be kids…..but that’s a blog post for another day. 

So, I’m busy trying to find ways to nurture the little artist inside of Hazel.  It seems like a tricky talent to nurture…..I mean, it’s not like gymnastics or sports where they take specific lessons and learn specific skills and just practice practice practice.  I feel strongly that I want to protect Hazel’s own unique sense of style, and I worry that if I sent her to an art class she might feel pressure to make things look a certain way.  I remember worrying about the same thing when I enrolled her in her first dance class when she was three.  I loved her funky dance moves and didn’t want her to think that she had to move her body in a certain way to be a good dancer.  And you know what?  She did stop busting out those funky dance moves for a little bit as she was trying to nail the shuffle-ball-change….but once she mastered those skills the funk came right back (and it was probably a bit more coordinated funk than it had been prior to the classes).

So, any ideas out there for nurturing your child's inner artist?  Classes? Art exposure? Art camps (they have one that looks awesome at the MFA….but it’s $$$).  Good websites?

While I’ve been mulling this over in my head the past few months Hazel has been busy setting up her own little art gallery on our kitchen wall.  A while back I explained how art galleries work to her and the wheels in her little-trying-to-earn-money-head started turning.  Thanks to some very kind friends and a gullible little brother Hazel has made exactly $3.45 selling her art.  I’ve had to beat a few people’s offers in order to keep a few of my favorites for myself.