This Christmas season, this brilliant piece of advice has been my mantra. It came back to me after struggling, early on in the season, through one of our nightly Christmas devotionals. Peter was shooting around like a little pinball, trying to make everyone laugh, Hazel was hyperventilating because people weren't listening to her read the scriptures, Charlie pestering and tooting and laughing (on the brink of his nightly silly stage), Emmeline overreacting to all that pestering (on the brink of her nightly meltdown), me getting frustrated that my kids are getting in the way of me making this beautiful memory for them. We were all wound up but somehow we muddled through and I fought all the kids into bed. When I was tucking Hazel in we processed the day and talked about our not so perfect night, and for some reason we started talking about what we thought people walking by our house and looking in that night would have thought of the scene that they saw from the street. We decided that they wouldn’t have heard all the chaos or yelling (if they were on the other side of the street, and maybe wearing headphones). They couldn’t have felt the frustration we felt of not being able to control that moment. They would have only seen the magical glow of the Christmas tree, the crackling fire in the fireplace, the stockings hung, the grin on Charlie’s face, the little blond boy happily darting around the room, the big girl reading from the scriptures, the little red-cheeked, mad-faced Emmeline embraced by her daddy. We decided it wasn’t such a bad scene, in fact it was a perfect, crystally scene from a movie. The kind where beautiful music is playing and the cinematography is all soft and fuzzy. We decided that it was the kind of scene that people would walk by and long to be a part of, the kind of scene that people dream of being drawn into. We went to bed happy to have been part of that kind of beautiful family magic (as imperfect as it really was).
I’ve been thinking about that night all season. I’ve been trying to step back and see the beauty of what is actually happening. Trying to pry myself from the crazy in-the-moment-details that make things seem stressful and wrong and see the moments the way I’ll remember them in 20 years when all the chaos is over, when the tree’s ornaments are all perfectly placed and all I hear in my empty house is the soft Christmas music that I so long to hear above the noise these days. I’m trying to live with the hope that—if I try hard to have the spirit with me, to love my children, to do the right thing—our memories will be laced with that soft glow of nostalgia. That the powerful love that propels Jeff and I as we build this family will turn all the glaring imperfections of the present into warm memories of togetherness and beauty. I’m pretty sure of this.
Now, I’m not saying that time will make everything perfect. Of course they won’t remember me as a perfect mother. I’m sure they won’t think that our home was always clean. They’ll probably remember that there were laundry baskets they had to frantically sort through to find clothes to wear before being hassled out the door. Of course they’ll know that there was fighting and chaos and lost tempers and mean words. But all those things will grow small and blend into the background, being overshadowed by the love that’s moving us all through this part of life.
This morning on my run I was thinking about the Christmas story. The picture we see of Christ’s birth, while shockingly humble, is picture perfect. A peaceful mother and father cuddling a quiet swaddled baby under a bright new star. But surely living through that moment was different than the picture we have of it now. Certainly that holy night was smelly and uncomfortable and painful and hard. Young Mary and Joseph, while great, faithful people of God were also human. And while their night surely was watched over by a very attentive God, I imagine they were still scared, unsure at times, maybe even a little panicked. As those two worked their way through the night I wonder if they were blessed with the ability to step back, see things as the angels were seeing them from above. Did they live in anticipation of the great memory that now propels a whole season of goodness?
That’s what I’m trying to do. I’m writing this now, on Christmas Eve morning to remind myself of how beautiful the picture is that I’m a part of. How, even the chaos and craziness is part of making this all a beloved memory. And, even if I can’t get it right all the time, even if I have lost it 24 times already this season, I’ve also worked hard to build up memories driven by love. I’m moving forward with the hope that through Him, love will swallow up anything around here that is imperfect and turn it into something beautiful.
I’m anticipating the memory. And as I do, I can see the beauty of the imperfect present.
Our little Biscuit turned five yesterday. Boy, we’ve had quite a ride with this spunky little five year old. But (and I can’t believe I’m saying this) even with all the crazy ups and downs of the Emmeline roller coaster, I still say it goes too fast. I’m not sure I’m ready for this girl to really grow up. 
Em’s Aunt KieKoo was in town, which thrilled Emmeline to no end. She adores Jeff’s sister Karen. It was so great to have her for Em’s big day. 
Em couldn’t resist opening a few of her presents at breakfast (even though it wasn’t part of the plan). She immediately put on the shirt that Hazel had bought her and a pair of her new high heels and slung her new Hello Kitty purse over her shoulder. She looked herself up and down and declared, “I look soooo put together!” She is quite the diva. 
After Swim Clinic (an awesome free clinic put on by the Malden High Swim team) we headed on the T down to Symphony Hall for the New England Classical Cartoon festival. This is a fabulously sneaky way to expose kids to the joys of classical music. Lure them in with Looney Tunes cartoons on the big screen at Symphony Hall and then hit them with a few fantastic concertos performed by fantastic youth orchestras. It’s actually a great fit, the classical music in those old cartoons is awesome, and it totally worked for my kids. They ate it up. 
Especially the birthday girl. She is really really into classical music right now. Here she is ^^ dreaming of her life as a violinist. She is memorized by this instrument, every time she notices a violin playing in anything she can point it out, and gets all animated. 
The other kids all sat mesmerized as they listened to the NEC Youth Orchestra and some “From the Top” musicians play. Here is Hazel listening to a piano/cello/violin trio play Brahms. Those kids were ages 11,12 and 13 and boy could they ever play. I always go to these things hoping that my kids will engage, that they’ll be inspired, that they’ll want to work hard. It takes so much work to get to the fun part of playing and instrument. I think seeing things like this helps them see that one day it really will be exhilarating. Ok, I could go on and on, but that’s a post for another day. Back to Em’s birthday. 
Em chose 5 Guys for her birthday lunch. Mostly because it was right next door to Symphony Hall, but also because it’s FIVE and Em is FIVE. She thought that was pretty cool. 
After lunch we waited in line to go into the “Instrument Petting Zoo.” It was totally disorganized and a long wait, but it was worth the hassle. My kids all got to handle and play new instruments. To see how they felt in their hands, to blow through their pipes and draw music from their strings. The volunteers were was fantastic and patient and really spent a lot of time with each child. I could tell that they were intent on sharing their love for their instrument with these children, in hopes it would spread. And I think it did. Charlie has been begging me ever since to start on Cello. Music to my ears. I love that instrument. 
Even Peter got to play a little Cello. He was delighted with it. 
Hazel loved playing the flute. Thought it was the best instrument there. 
Em insisted on waiting in line to play the violin. She acted like she didn’t know a thing when the guy handed her a violin. Not sure why, but I was chuckling. That teacher there was really amazing. Had a huge crowd of kids around him for hours, all screeching on little violins. He kept his cool, took genuine interest in each child, tried to pass on a love for the violin to each little curious soul. It was a beautiful thing to watch. 
We made it home in time to frost the cake that Em and Jeff had made the day before. Em had very specific ideas about how she wanted this cake to look at taste. I think she was happy with it. 
We opened more presents and had pizza and sang and blew out candles and stuffed ourselves with cake. But before I get too far with these funny candle blowing pictures (notice Peter) I have to stop and give a little shout out to Hazel who really made this birthday great for Emmeline. She started buying Em presents in August. She bought (with her own hard earned money) present after present and wrapped up anything precious to her that she knew Emmeline wanted. I think all in all she gave her about 7 presents. She made cards and decorated her bed. She was just a little angel of a sister. I love that Hazel (more about her and her awesome birthday back in September soon, I hope).
Peter was certainly curious about this whole birthday thing. If anyone mentions birthdays he always informs them that his birthday is in March. Poor guy, march is a lifetime away for him. Celebrating with Em makes him want March to come sooner, I’m sure, but he’s doing a pretty good job waiting. 
Sorry there are so many of those, I just love the story of these four siblings that those pictures tell. 
Last, we all cuddled down in our cold basement to watch Monsters University. Em was cuddly and warm and leaned over two times during the movie to say “thank you for my click clack shoes.”
Here’s a few things I’m loving about Em these days:
I’m so happy that my kids don’t really notice that Halloween isn’t done right around here. Remember, I am a “
Here’s what they pulled together for the church Halloween party ^^. In case it’s not obvious, they are all characters from Knight Rider (which they watched and loved during down days this summer). Charlie and Saul are both Michael Knight, Em is his girlfriend, Hazel is the mechanic ‘Bonnie’ and Peter is Kit (the car….though he’s not pictured above with the cardboard black box/car that Hazel made for him). They were so psyched about what they had come up with. I heard them whispering before the party about how sure they were that they would win some serious prizes. They didn’t win any prizes, but the pride of just thinking they would made them happy. 
Peter spent a lot of Halloween week going to “Emmeline School” where Em would dress him up in almost every costume from the Halloween box in the basement. 
When Em realized that all I was goign to do to decorate was drag out our old black snake wreath she took decorating our door into her own hands. She made this sign on her own and put it up. She has no idea what those letters say, but I think they came out perfectly spooky. 
On Halloween day Em insisted on dressing as a princess for her dentist appointment. She and Charlie both got their teeth all fixed up and ready for the onslaught of candy. 
The kids carved their own pumpkins this year with only a little help from me. It’s a messy ordeal, but I love this part of Halloween. It keeps them so happy and busy for a whole afternoon. 
We had our traditional black bean soup (thanks for the idea 
Here they are with their pumpkins all ready to go out to trick or treat. Hermione, Harry, Ginny and a monkey. 
Our dear friends Therese and Penelope came to join us for Trick or Treating. Hazel came up with this Harry Potter theme for the kids, borrowed all the costumes from Therese and then got everyone all and ready to go. She is one helpful girl. 
It was a wonderfully warm night. I couldn’t get enough of that little monkey, prancing around, merrily pushing his way through the crowd to be at the front when the door opened. 
We got home, had a quick candy swap and called it a night. 
But, no worries. We went again, and again. Our wildest and most true to form trip was with Joyce and the Krucks…..loaded down with books so that we could pick apples while doing a little back to school photo shoot. In theory a good idea, but boy, living in that afternoon was crazy! Lots of chaos as moms tried to corral kids who were really only interested in each other by being silly. Silliness is a little hard for me sometimes. It was the perfect apple picking weather though. And, look at these happy kids. I wish I could see the picture of me doing things with my kids as I’m doing them. The picture always makes me realize how beautiful the moment really was. It strips out the loud noises, the raging emotions, the kids whines, the loud screeches and you just see the happiness beaming out from a day in the sun. 
Joyce came with us into the orchards until the chaos got to be a little too much for her and she decided the afternoon might be a little more pleasant sitting on a bench watching the alpacas. 
Peter had a grand time, eating apple after apple and trying to mimic all the craziness around him. 
We did manage to take some ‘back to school’ book shots. My idea (well, the one I stole from pinterest) is to take pictures of the kids each year with their favorite books from the year. So, here they are (Kruckenkids too):
What I learned from our chaos in the apple orchards? to Relax. Try to stop in those crazy chaotic moments and visualize what the pictures are going to look like. Instead of seeing the craziness and hearing all the noise and trying to control it I’m going to stop and look at my kids faces. If I look closely I’ll see the childhood spilling out of them. The delight of a perfect September afternoon radiating through their silliness. 