due.

I’m due.  Any day.  Well, technically my due date isn’t until the 16th of March, but all of our babies have found it too hard to wait until their due date.  Maybe this one will be patient.  That would be good.  Really good.

You see, I’m not sure if we’re quite ready for a baby around here yet.  The hospital bag is packed, the changing table is set up with washed and folded baby Charlie clothes.  We have a list of support babysitters/people all typed out and ready to go.  But, I feel lousy.  I have either a bad sinus infection or the flu or a head cold or a combination of all three which is really throwing me for a loop.  All of my expectations of being strong and ready and soaking this whole process in have been thwarted a bit by just trying to survive and hold out until my head feels like it’s not exploding.  The upshot?  I’ve been in bed a lot and my body, as hammered as it feels, is probably more physically rested than it has been in a while.  Jeff has been awesome to take good care of the kids and me so that I can rest.  I’ve had a lot of time to think (but all the thinking feels pretty cloudy) and read (do I remember anything I’ve read with this stuffed up brain?).   I’ve been forced to put aside things that aren’t that important.  I’ve had to rely on God and prayer and blessings. 

I’ve been disappointed because I don’t feel like I’ve had time to prepare like I wanted to for this birth.  It’s just this morning that I’m beginning to see that going through this plague of sickness is preparing me much better for what lies ahead than reading all my birth books with a clear head.

When I step back, even my foggy brain can see that I’m learning valuable lessons here that I hope will help me navigate through the next few weeks of labor and newborness and breastfeeding and change.  Here are some things I’m learning and trying to remember:

• let go.  the upcoming events can’t be controlled. they need to wash over me as they happen.  I need to relinquish control and let events unfold as they may.  The only way out is through, and it’s much more pleasant to go through with trust that things will unfold in the right way than trying to control it all.
• rely on God.  Remember what Christ says in Mathew, “Come unto me, all ye that Labor and are Heavy Laden.”  “I will give you rest.”  That applies to me right now and it will over the next few weeks.  Labor is some of the hardest work I’ve ever done, it’s also when I’ve most felt a connection to god and strength and power beyond my own.
• My brain has power over my body.  When I use my energy to fight and complain and worry I don’t get through things as quickly as when I use it to accept, to work and to enjoy.