my birth. the story.

I can’t believe it’s been only a little over a week since everything unfolded into the story of this little guys birth.  I didn’t think it would ever happen, and then, finally and suddenly it did.

Life went from this:

To this:

He’s here.  Safe and perfect.  All curled up on my chest so that I have to type with one hand.  I think it was Mother Theresa who said ‘patience solves all problems.’  I know it’s irrational, but I was really beginning to wonder if I’d ever have this sleeping little ball squeaking on my shoulder. 

Jeff did a great job summing up the birth of this little guy.  But, for family history sake (especially for Emmeline and Hazel who very likely could have similar labors to mine) I’d like to post my side of the story.  All of my details.  So please, as Jeff said, unless you are a female relative (or a birth junkie) you can just browse through the pictures (taken by Heidi)….they tell their own story.

On Monday the 14th I called the midwife to see if she could do anything that wasn’t too invasive to get this baby here before my dad left on Wednesday the 16th.  She told me to come in and she’d strip my membranes (sounds lovely, right?).  I was a little reluctant, but also wanted so much for my dad to get to meet the little guy.  When I asked the midwife what the risks were of this she told me that it could just give me some intense contractions for a few hours that would just peter out.  I decided it was worth a try…at least we could relax and know we’d done all we could do to encourage the little guy out.  The midwife told me that I wasn’t exactly “ripe” and that she didn’t think much was going on, but that, given my history, that could change fast.  That evening, sure enough, I had some pretty strong contractions.  My mom and dad sent me and Jeff to see the Adjustment Burrow and I was timing contractions throughout the movie, getting more and more excited.  When we got home we talked with my mom and dad by the fire, timing contractions that were about 5 min apart for about an hour.  We decided to all go to sleep to see if we could get some rest before real labor kicked in.  My mom slept in her clothes…..ready to jump.  I was too excited to sleep, but finally dozed off around midnight.  I was so mad when I woke up at 5 am and realized that I had slept soundly without a single noticeable contraction.   I was so mad I couldn’t sleep for a while…….(and I could have used that sleep for the next night……arg…..I need more patience!)

On Tuesday we sat around frustrated for a lot of the day.  My dad did some writing, my mom did all those helpful things she does when she’s around.  I blogged about childbirth.  And, I got increasingly frustrated.  Finally around 4pm I decided that I needed a project.  I needed to get totally consumed by some project so that I’d quit being so antsy.  So, I got to work.  I made some soup for dinner. I cleaned out some things that had been bugging me in the basement.  And, at Hazel’s urging, I climbed up the ladder to the attic to help her and Charlie and Grammie clean up there (quite a project).    As I crawled around up there sorting through Legos and Petshops contractions started kicking in again.  They were pretty strong, but I didn’t say anything.  I was pretty gun shy with all the pressure to have that baby and all the false alarms.  I just worked hard…and the contractions did too. 

By dinner time I was timing them (secretly…..didn’t want to get any hopes up) and they were coming every 3-4 min, lasting 30 seconds each.  When we had finished and I casually said that I was having contractions Jeff jumped up and started getting things ready.   I think he’s a lot more nervous about having a baby in a car than I am (I think it would be quite an adventure, provided everything worked out right).  He reminded me that we’ve always headed to the birth center when they’ve gotten as close as 4 min apart regularly.  So, wanting to labor as much as possible at the birth center (I love that place) we called the midwife and Lorenza my doula and told them we were heading in.  My mom rushed around to clean up dinner a bit and put Emmeline down, Jeff pulled up the car, I said goodbye to the older kids and took some pictures and off we went, my mom, me and Jeff in our trusty old 1993 Honda Civic (which, incidentally, kept missing and puttering and acting like it was going to stop on the way to the birth center……Jeff was sure it would be ok, but it did add a little drama). 

For the entire 25 min drive I was getting more and more psyched…..but was trying to tame my excitement in case this wasn’t really it.  If it was it, this was a perfect night.  It worked well for everyone, my beloved Doula Lorenza didn’t have anything else going on that night, Heidi could come, my mom was there, my dad would be able to meet the little guy before leaving.  It was the ides of March, for crying out loud.  What could be better?When we got to the birth center, Joyce, the midwife on call, found that I was only dilated to a 2 and 20% effaced.  This was a new experience for us, usually when we arrive it’s pretty clear that things are progressing and there is a big flurry to admit me.  This time they told us to just hang out in the waiting room there and wait, she’d check me again in an hour to see if things were progressing.  This news made me pretty worried, in fact, for a full ten minutes I didn’t feel one single contraction.   I have found the physical part of labor to be so connected to my brain and what is going on emotionally for me.  I think all the pressure I was feeling (all self induced by my undying desire to please) to have the timing work out for everyone was stopping the contractions.  I left the waiting room and went into the bathroom and just sat, reconnected with my body, with what was happening inside.  I closed my eyes and prayed until the contractions started coming again…..until a perfectly still and peaceful spirit washed over me, hushing all my fears.  Everything was going to work out fine. 

When I got back out Lorenza had arrived.  We sat and chatted and charted contractions on my little iPhone app.  It was peaceful and still, no one there but us.  Joyce came in and everyone told her the stories of my previous rapid labors (I think in an attempt to convince her that I really should be admitted).  I tried to block this out so that the pressure to perform wouldn’t shut things down again for me.  They connected me to a fetal heart rate/contraction monitor (protocol to assess a baby's stress level in case they do send you home).  This was a new experience for us.  It was kind of cool to listen to the baby’s heart while we chatted….and see those numbers go up with the contractions.  Finally the midwife checked me again and fond I had dilated to a 3 and was 40% effaced.  She said given my history I should stay.  Lorenza encouraged me to go up and “nest'” in one of the birthing rooms, to move in and get comfortable.   The midwife had told me to hold off on the tub till we were sure things were really progressing…..but, when I saw that tub all filled up and waiting that’s all I wanted to do.  The contractions were getting pretty intense and I felt like I needed some help managing them.  Lorenza looked right at me and told me that I needed to start calling the shots.  She told me I should do what my body told me to do.  That the team was all there to help me and listen to me and do what I needed.  So, I got in the tub and the midwife decided to admit me. 

It was just the right thing.  I don’t know if my body just knows what to do from past experience laboring in the tub, but as soon as I got in my contractions settled into a regular, intense pattern and I got into my birthing zone.   My team dimmed the lights and took their places.  With each contraction everyone stopped chatting and sat in supportive silence as I went deep within.   All my mental energy was hard at work, managing pain and fending off  feelings of fear or worry…..blocking these thoughts out and replacing them with more powerful and productive thoughts…..thoughts about what was happening inside, thoughts that connected me with my baby, navigating his way through this with me. Reminding myself what the purpose of this pain was, what it was doing in there.  How this intense feeling was actually just opening up my cervix, bringing the baby down.  Making way for him.  I tried to imagine my cervix melting away like butter.     And sometimes, when none of that worked I just tried make my mind go to Bear Lake and relax on the beach beside the still calm water of a hot sparkly summer day.  

Jeff timed each contraction them while simultaneously pouring water over my belly, Lorenza reminded me about important things.  Heidi very discreetly took pictures.  My mom didn’t have to even say anything to offer her rock solid support….just having her presence in the room put me at ease.   Once a contraction eased up my team took turns telling me how great I was doing, how well I was managing things, how close I was getting. 

After about 40 min in the tub I had a particularly strong contraction and felt a little pop somewhere deep inside.  After the contraction had finished I told them I thought my water might have broken.  Joyce came to check and found me dilated to a 4 and 80% effaced….she thought she still felt a bag of waters, but I’m pretty sure the sack had ruptured because things started to get really intense fast.  I started to feel afraid of what was to come.   I had a few really strong contractions where I had to tell my team to coach me through them….I could no longer get my brain to go to the right places on my own.  I felt like I was starting to loose control and get scared.  I’ve learned that that kind of fear – fear of what is to come, fear that I can’t do it anymore, fear that I’m going to die before this baby comes out,  is always a sign that I’m going through transition.  Lorenza teaches in her Child Birth Ed classes that that fear releases adrenalin that gives you the strength and energy and power to push your baby out.  Fascinating, no?  I got up to use the bathroom, and I think that little bit of gravity really got things going because when I got back in the tub I felt pretty sure that I needed to start pushing. 

Wait, let’s rephrase that….I felt my body starting to push with the contractions.  For me, it’s not like I’m given a choice whether to push or not, my uterus either pushes for me, or makes me push….whatever it is, it’s pretty out of control.  I told Lorenza that I felt like pushing and I’m pretty sure she told the Midwife that she’d better hurry up.  Joyce checked me and found me fully dilated and effaced (just 25 min after only being at a 4). I had two pretty strong pushing contractions and on the second one, much to everyone’s surprise (including my own) out came the baby’s head.  15 seconds later another contraction came and pushed his shoulders out.  Joyce said to me, “Saydi, there he is, reach down and grab your baby!”  I was a little disoriented, but reached down and did exactly what she said, pulled him up to my chest.   I’m not sure how to describe the intensity of that moment…..relief, shock, surprise, pure joy.   It was one of the most alive experiences of my life.    I saw him all purple for a split second and then, as he drew in a big breath and a little cry he pinked right up. I think maybe one of my favorite moments in the whole birth was how, as soon as I had that baby in my arms, Jeff leaned into me, put his arm around me and said, “you did it!”  I wish I had a better way of putting that that didn’t sound so cheesy….(why am I not a better writer?)…..suffice it to say, I love it that Jeff is the father of my children. What happened next was totally unexpected.  The thing I couldn’t figure out when deciding if I wanted to do a water birth is what you do once the baby is born.  Do you have to get up right after that intense and physically exhausting experience and make your way over to the bed?  Wouldn’t it be gross in the tub with all that bodily stuff floating around?  Would I be all shaky and weak and in pain and cold?  Would I be able to drink in my baby’s first few moments or would they be consumed with logistics? 

Much to my surprise the water was totally clear, no blood, no weirdness (at least not that I could tell….but my mental state was probably altered a bit by all I was going through).  They let me sit in the tub and hold and admire him for at least a good 20 minutes.  We all soaked in his first moments of life, examining his little body, noticing his big hands and feet, checking to make sure he was a boy.  He fussed and sucked his fists.  I kept him warm with warm wet towels and poured water over him.  He seemed to like the sound of the water and the feel of being moved around in it.  We took videos and pictures and watched for the cord to stop pulsing so that they could clamp and cut it.   Part of what I loved about this 20 min was looking up from the tub at my awesome team, all enjoying and admiring him as much as I was.  I felt so grateful to be buoyed up by so much solid support, surrounded by so many people who love me and who will have a special connection with this little guy.  I wish I would have taken a picture of them from where I was sitting (my hands were kind of full…and wet).   I guess I’ll just have to hope that my pathetic memory can retain that picture in my head. As we inspected this little guy we found that there was a “true knot” in his umbilical cord.   At some point (probably early on) in his 9 month stay inside my belly he did some impressive acrobatics and tied a perfect knot in that cord.  Joyce said that it was a lucky sign.  I’ve since learned that it was a lucky knot mostly because it didn’t cause any problems.  I guess, during labor and delivery the knot could have been pulled too tight, cutting off the baby’s oxygen, ending things pretty tragically.  The knot makes his birth even more miraculous than it was on it’s own.  Jeff actually mustered up enough courage to cut the cord this time (he’s been a little too squeamish about it for the other kids’ births).  Once it was cut Joyce declared, “No Refunds.”  Jeff and the nurse and midwife took the little guy to weigh him and I got out, got dried off and went to the bed to do all the not so glamorous parts of birth like birth the placenta and check for tears.  Thankfully they gave that baby back to nurse and admire as they did all that other stuff.  He latched right on like a champ.  I’m not sure what else to write. I’ve been thinking about all the things I want to remember about this birth all week, but now my brain is pretty foggy from lack of sleep and I can’t remember half of what has gone through it in the past ten days. 

I had thought about videoing the birth, but decided that I’d rather relive it from my memory and from the memory of those who were there and from pictures (thank you so much Heidi!).       I wasn’t sure if I wanted the actual representation that a video would give me (I didn’t want to watch what my face looked like, or hear what I said).  Instead, I feel like my memory of this experience will be rounded out in a beautiful way by the memories of those who were there to witness it.   It has been so great over the past 10 days to relive that experience as I’ve talked to my mom and Jeff and Heidi and Lorenza.

Lorenza called me a few days after the birth to tell me a few of her thoughts and observations of the birth.  She told me that she thought of all my births (and she’s been there for all four) this was my birth.  Yes, it was  the birth I’ve always wanted and envisioned, everything went smoothly, no tears, no baby diving into the tub, no meconium, but she said it was more than that.  It was my birth in that I knew what I was doing….I birthed my baby.    I communed with this little boy and we navigated our way through this, together.  I caught my own baby.  This isn’t to say I did it alone….I relied heavily on my team for all kinds of emotional support…..but I do kind of agree with Lorenza, this was my birth.

  I was hoping with all my might that things would go well for this birth, that I could experience it fully, since I’m pretty sure this is the last time I get to have this grand adventure.  I wanted to relish all the hard work of labor, drink in the empowerment and connection to mothers throughout time.  I wanted to fully participate in the miracle of brining forth new life.  And I got to.  I got everything I was hoping for.    I know there are so many women out there who want and work for this kind of experience and things don’t work out as they had planned for one reason or another.  I know this birth was a HUGE blessing, a small miracle in fact.

Ok, enough.  If you’ve made it this far please excuse all the typos, I’m not even going to go back and read through this….little Peter is crying….I need to go and feed him and go to sleep so that I can wake up in 2 hours and do it again, and again and again. 

On to the next adventures!

why I love childbirth.

I love giving birth.  Maybe that’s why I’m so anxious to have this baby, NOW!  (That and the fact that all my help is here and we have nothing to do but wait). 

Let me say it again, I. Love. Giving. Birth.

I think it is the greatest adventure I’ve ever experienced.  (And I think I’ve had a lot of great life adventures.)

It is hard.  It is work.   It is real and huge and primal.  And all those things are what I love about it.  Those intense feelings that you never feel in the hum drum of everyday life.  They are what make it a miracle.

My biggest nightmare when I’m approaching my due date is that I’m going to have the baby and somehow not experience the birth, the pain, the challenge, the triumph.  I’ve never felt so much in my life.  And I like to feel.  It’s what I believe we’re here for. 

And I’ve never felt so close to heaven.  Giving birth is the closest I’ve been to God.  Creating life with Him.  Depending on the Atonement and the Savior’s grace to get me through what I can not do on my own.   In that moment of transition when I feel terrified and alone and weak and near death….. I am carried.  And then comes the cry from a new life.  An old soul squished into a new body.  Here.  Under my stewardship.  Ready for living, feeling, suffering, experiencing, breaking, healing, enjoying, rejoicing. 

I’m hesitant to even write about this on the blog because everyone has such different experiences with childbirth. I know a huge huge part of the reason giving birth is so amazing for me is that my body is set up right for it.   My labors (so far) are intense and hard, but doable and don’t last too long.    I don’t want to sound naïve in writing about this…..I know many women who have believed in the power of childbirth, have prepared for it and thought about it and it hasn’t turned out to be magical for them for one reason or another.  But I also know a lot of women who haven’t thought much about what this experience can be  and childbirth hasn’t turned out magical for them either.

I just want to put it out there that Childbirth can be an amazingly transformative, empowering experience with the right help, the right support, the right education and some luck. 

I think what is important about childbirth is that we think about it, that we research and learn and be proactive and trust ourselves and our bodies..   When I was pregnant with Hazel my journey started out just following what I thought everyone else did.  Get a doctor and go to the hospital that could help me in the highest risk situation.   I didn’t think much about what birth really is and can be until some dear friends gave me some books to read, suggested I think about a few things and gently opened up the wide world of birth to me.  I researched and read and learned all I could.  I thought about what I wanted, what was important to me in childbirth.  I read about people’s experiences. I started forming my own dreams and creating space in my life for Childbirth to transform me.

I decided that I don’t think it matters as much what kind of birth we choose, but that we really choose and don’t just let this miraculous event be controlled by our culture, our assumptions, our doctor or midwives, our friends.  Where and how we give birth should be a deliberate journey.  And then, once we’ve chosen our path and started down it we are aware and educated and can deal with all the unexpected things along the way.  

So, for what it’s worth, here are some of the things I love about childbirth:

• I love it that childbirth connects me with all birthing mothers throughout all of space and time.  I know that sounds pretty new agey and maybe a little strange, but it is a real connection.  I remember before Hazel was born wanting so much to experience what my grandmothers and great grandmother experienced....to connect with that great power of motherhood.  Some people believe that as babies go through the birth canal all their nerves are kind of squeezed into functioning……it prepares them for life.  I think in the same way the sacrifices and ‘labor’ of childbirth prepare me to mother powerfully.  They teach me about my power and also my weakness and my reliance on God.  

Birth is not only about making babies.

Birth is about making mothers ~

strong, competent, capable mothers who

trust themselves and know their inner strength.

- Barbara Katz Rothman

• I love the places I go during a contraction.  During some, I connect with my baby.  I envision all the productive things the pain is doing inside of me to help my baby come out, I think of a wave washing over and melting things away to make room for the baby.  During others I put myself on the beach at bear lake on a calm august day.  It is still.  It is calm.  During others I think of all those mothers all over the world that are laboring in different places and in different ways.  I think of the mother in Pearl Bucks The Good Earth who delivered her child on her own, strapped him on her back and went back to work in the fields.  I think of the indigenous woman I read about in my college anthropology class who went far away from the village, birthed her baby, bit through the cord, buried the placenta and walked back to the village triumphant with her child.  And then I look around and count my lucky stars that I’m in a beautiful birth center surrounded by so much support.
• I love my birth team.  My doula who quietly coaches Jeff through supporting me.  My mom whose empathy and compassion give me strength.  The competent, reassuring care of the birth center midwives and nurses.  Everyone totally zeroed in on me and what I need.  Riding the waves of each contraction with me in the ways that I need them to.
• I love the Cambridge Birth Center.  Just walking into that place makes me feel powerful and at peace at the same time.  They dim the lights when I want them to.  The medical stuff for emergencies is there, but I don’t see it.  There are big tubs to labor in.  Comfortable homey rooms to recover in.  It’s quiet.  It feels like home (only much better because there are no dust bunnies and I don’t have to worry about cleaning it).
• I love the work of labor.  It is a challenge.  It pushes me to all of my limits.
• I hate pushing, but love it too.  Finally I can do something with all that pain rather than just let it wash over me.  I can grunt and breath and push and yell. 
• And then there’s the rush and the relief of that baby coming out.  Yes, the burning is hell, but the slithering of the rest of the baby’s body, that first cry, that wriggly blue body being placed skin to skin on you.  The start of a new life right there in front of you. 

Sure, this is a pretty glorified view of it…..but I think (if everything goes well) when I write again in a few days after going through it again these feelings might even be stronger.  I just think if everything progresses normally and if you have the right team and place childbirth is the most exhilarating, empowering thing you can experience. 

For some pretty amazing pictures of birth check out this photographers website (warning, some are pretty graphic to our eyes that are so trained to reject primal looking stuff…..but I think it’s that primal stuff that makes it all so amazing.  That, and the amazing expressions on everyone's faces as they greet a new life. 

emmeline making sense of birth

Emmeline is trying to understand a lot of things lately.  And doing a pretty funny job at it. 

A month ago when I was explaining to Emmeline that she needed to see the Dr (for her yearly check up)  she insisted that “I scared of the Dr.”  I spent some time trying to prep her and tell her that the Dr. was just going to check out her body and make sure everything was ok.  Later when we were actually on our way, out of no where she said to me, very matter of factly, “Mom, my body is AWESOME!”    She was right, the Dr. even confirmed that her body is awesome (and off the charts on all counts, including cheeks).

Ever since then she tells one of us every few days in a voice full of enthusiasm, “My bum is AWESOME!”  She’s kind of obsessed with bums right now.  Maybe it’s potty training.

Emmeline is trying her darndest to understand what’s going to happen around here any minute with this impending birth.  It’s hard to know what she really gets and what she just likes to repeat back to us. She talks a lot about the baby brother inside my belly.  She’s stopped wondering if there is a baby in her belly (I think my belly just surpassed the size of hers a few weeks ago……so now she’s getting that there’s only one baby and it’s inside of me).   She has come with me to my midwife appointments and pushed buttons on the doppler to hear her baby brother’s heart beat.    Last week when all four of us went to the birth center we took a little tour of where everyone was born.  We saw the tub where Charlie was born, the bed where Hazel was almost born etc.   Emmeline saw the bed where she was born and has been obsessed with it ever since.  Telling most people she sees about how she was born on a bed.  And sometimes, if she’s feeling inferior to Charlie she steals his story and insists that she was born in the tub.

My dear doula, Lorenza came for lunch the other day and in preparation I told Emmeline about how Lorenza was there when she was born and how Lorenza was the first person to hold her little hand and how it was only then that Emmeline took her first breath and made her first cry.  All morning while waiting for Lorenza to come Emmeline repeated that story to me over and over:

Emmeline: “Enza hold my little hand?”  “I said Wa, Wa?” “I had my first cry?”

Basically, Emmeline has  asked lots of questions about birth and gotten a lot of answers. 

We were at BJ’s Wholesale the other day and a nice older lady was making friends with Emmeline while we waited in line.  Emmeline started spouting out her newfound information about birth.  Here’s how the conversation went:

Emmeline: “I got born.  I got born on a bed.” 

Nice Old Lady: “that’s nice.”

Emmeline: “My mom got born too.” 

Emmeline: “You got born?  You popped out your mama’s bum?”

Nice Old Lady:  looked embarrassed.  changed the subject.

I can’t wait to see how this all comes together for her in the next few days!

any. time. now.

Wow, what a difference 48 hours can make.  I feel SO MUCH BETTER.  My head feels clearer than it has in a week.  I can breath. The sun was out today.  The snow has all melted in our back yard.  My kids were outside playing today.  I had a burst of energy.

I feel ready.

(except that I need to wait until Saturday when my mom can be here)

Waiting for a baby is a funny thing.  It makes you really take note of all the things you do over and over again.  I keep thinking to myself that I’m possibly doing tasks for the last time before having a fourth child.  I rush to get the laundry done so that hampers will be empty when we bring home our new addition.  And then, a suddenly they’re all full again and there’s not a new baby yet.  I try to keep the house picked up and the floors swept and the beds made and the fridge stocked so that everything will be in ship shape for whoever swoops in to take care of everything so I can go and give birth.  But I keep having to do it all again and again. 

The mundane nature of my job is just so apparent in my waiting.

But the miracles of my everyday life with these three little ones are also vivid in my waiting.

Hazel negotiating Emmeline through picking up everything on the first floor for me and then bringing me plates of cut up fruit while I work at the computer.

The way Charlie’s face gleams with delight when he feels the baby kick or sees some cute little thing intended for his brother. 

Emmeline’s questions about birth and being born.  And her desire to yell into my belly at her baby brother.

This is going to be worth the wait. 

due.

I’m due.  Any day.  Well, technically my due date isn’t until the 16th of March, but all of our babies have found it too hard to wait until their due date.  Maybe this one will be patient.  That would be good.  Really good.

You see, I’m not sure if we’re quite ready for a baby around here yet.  The hospital bag is packed, the changing table is set up with washed and folded baby Charlie clothes.  We have a list of support babysitters/people all typed out and ready to go.  But, I feel lousy.  I have either a bad sinus infection or the flu or a head cold or a combination of all three which is really throwing me for a loop.  All of my expectations of being strong and ready and soaking this whole process in have been thwarted a bit by just trying to survive and hold out until my head feels like it’s not exploding.  The upshot?  I’ve been in bed a lot and my body, as hammered as it feels, is probably more physically rested than it has been in a while.  Jeff has been awesome to take good care of the kids and me so that I can rest.  I’ve had a lot of time to think (but all the thinking feels pretty cloudy) and read (do I remember anything I’ve read with this stuffed up brain?).   I’ve been forced to put aside things that aren’t that important.  I’ve had to rely on God and prayer and blessings. 

I’ve been disappointed because I don’t feel like I’ve had time to prepare like I wanted to for this birth.  It’s just this morning that I’m beginning to see that going through this plague of sickness is preparing me much better for what lies ahead than reading all my birth books with a clear head.

When I step back, even my foggy brain can see that I’m learning valuable lessons here that I hope will help me navigate through the next few weeks of labor and newborness and breastfeeding and change.  Here are some things I’m learning and trying to remember:

• let go.  the upcoming events can’t be controlled. they need to wash over me as they happen.  I need to relinquish control and let events unfold as they may.  The only way out is through, and it’s much more pleasant to go through with trust that things will unfold in the right way than trying to control it all.
• rely on God.  Remember what Christ says in Mathew, “Come unto me, all ye that Labor and are Heavy Laden.”  “I will give you rest.”  That applies to me right now and it will over the next few weeks.  Labor is some of the hardest work I’ve ever done, it’s also when I’ve most felt a connection to god and strength and power beyond my own.
• My brain has power over my body.  When I use my energy to fight and complain and worry I don’t get through things as quickly as when I use it to accept, to work and to enjoy.

trailing clouds of glory as they come

Sometime in the next 4 weeks we’re going to have a new baby in our house. I want to catch and hold onto every emotion that will flood through here in the weeks ahead.  There is really nothing more euphoric and magical and exhausting and beautiful than the few weeks before and after a baby enters into your world and changes everything.  And those weeks only happen a few times in a life time.  Since I’m feeling like four might be my limit and this might be the last time I live through this kind of experience, I want to drink up every bit of it (just writing that makes me all teary…..).  I can’t help it, yes, I’m uncomfortable (and I know it’s much worse for so many women) but I just love all the anticipation and preparation and work and change that happens when your family expands.  As Wordsworth says, babies “trail clouds of glory” with them when they come, “heaven lies about us in our infancy.”  I can always see this heaven in the soft perfect glow of retrospect….but it’s hard to always acknowledge as you go through it.  Let’s be honest, what’s ahead is hard hard work.  But, I want to be able to see those clouds of glory as I pass through them, not just when I remember them years from now.
So, just so I have it in the front of my head, here are some of the things I love about what is going to happen in our little life in the next few weeks:

• The anticipation.  When? Where (the car???)?  How (there is a real baby in there that has to come out)?  What will the baby look like, be like, sound like, suck like, smell like, sleep like? 
• The preparation.  Folding baby clothes and receiving blankets.  Remembering your other children in the same clothes and blankets.  Creating birth plans.  Remembering what my body needs to do.
• The dreams.  I always have the craziest dreams right before my babies are born.  All of my babies have appeared in my dreams and they’re usually doing something mischievous, like kicking through my new maternity shirt.  Last night this baby boy appeared in my dream and poked his little head out of a hole he had kicked in my stomach.  He was the most perfect looking baby, except that he kind of looked like a groundhog, the way he peaked out through the hole with his tongue out.  My midwife took him out to inspect him and then stuffed him back in, head down, so that he could make his all important journey through the birth canal.  I was just so mad I didn’t get a picture of him when he poked his head out.  He looked so cute.
• The work.  The labor.  The power that and connection that kind of work forges between you and this new life.  (More on this in another post).
• The growth. Your heart miraculously grows large enough to swallow up another little child into that amazingly expanding mother love. Mother love doesn’t get divided when another one falls into it….it just expands. 
• The introductions.  Introducing your older children to their new baby.  I love watching my children fall in love and watch as the marvel and miracle of a new life changes them and bonds them and ignites them.  This part of new life has only gotten better and better as my kids have gotten older and able to grasp the miracle of what is happening.
• Those first few hours of life.  The first cry. The first suck.  The first fast breathing on your neck.
• The smell of a newborn.  Before the first bath.  I love how they smell.
• Those first few nights.  Exhausting and challenging as they are, they are nights full of real sacrifice and work.  They are when you and your newborn figure each other out. 
• Being surrounded by supportive people, parents, in-laws, friends. My heart aches for people who go through this without this support….like so many of my former clients.  Support makes this experience sweet.  It is humbling to need so much help and blessed to have it.
• The naps.  I love having people take care of the stuff I normally have to do so that I can restore my body from all the shock of labor and nursing.  I love napping with a newborn still beside me.
• Feeling so much respect and tenderness from Jeff as he worries and works in his own way to support me through labor and birth and newbornness.  He’s a little weirded out by all of it,  so it makes it all the more sweet that he works so hard to support me. 
• That feeling of physical emptiness after birth.  It’s the strangest physical sensation I’ve ever had.  To no longer feel that movement inside of you but instead watch it squirming and swimming outside of you is strange.  And a little empty.  But boy does it feel good to lie on your tummy.
• Being babied again by my own mother.  There might not be anything sweeter for me than having my own mother there to baby me as I figure out my own baby.  I love being reminded (in such a experiential way) of where my relationship started with her, all the sacrifices she made to bring me into the world and nurse and nurture and love me.  All while she’s pouring out all kinds of love and pampering and reassurance as I navigate my way through a new mother/baby relationship.  I can’t wait to do this for my daughters. 
• Waking up to a new little life breathing beside you.

And here’s what I don’t like so much about the upcoming weeks:

• my pants falling down as I struggle to bend over a million times a day to keep things picked up
• heart burn (though I secretly like the feeling of relief that comes with a half teaspoon of baking soda in 4 oz of water). 
• a big post baby jello belly
• being engorged
• not being able to really sit down for a while
• lots of yucky stuff, like blood and sweat and milk pretty much everywhere (not too glamorous)
• spit up
• worry about all the things that could go wrong

I’m going to try to focus on the first list.  It is so much more beautiful.  I want to feel this babies trails of glory as they whoosh by us. 

Magic (the whole story for those of you who care)

I don't have much time to write about the flood of emotions that has been swelling through me for the past 3 days....I wish I could capture this time better. The only adequate word I can think of with my pathetic milk brain is "Magic". I don't think there is a time in life that is more magical than the day before a baby arrives, the day of and the few days after. I love it all. It is surreal, it seems almost like there are little crystals filling the air and I'm in a movie with kind of fuzzy soft dreamlike cinematography. I just want to savor every single second.

First, there is the anticipation. The day I went into labor with Emmeline I was fighting her off. I had so much I wanted to get done before she entered our lives, I had so much of an agenda. I had a great blessing from Jeff that evening all about labor and motherhood and how it is such a beautiful act of submission.....so (as soon as I was done with all my photo edits) I decided to submit and sure enough, there came those labor pains. That baby was ready to come.

Then there is the actual birth. This baby entered the world in what I believe to be a perfect way. We got to the Cambridge Birth center with time to enjoy the serenity and focus that place gives me during all those crazy contractions. I had a perfect team: two great midwives and one midwife in training, my most amazing doula Lorenza(who was at my two other births) and Jeff.

They all sat by the tub in a nice dimly lit bathroom of an empty birth center in the middle of the night and helped me focus and be calm, letting those contractions do their work. In a very strange way I love that part of labor. It is such hard work, but there is no other time in my life that I feel so close to God and dependent on Him, so present in the moment, so powerful, so connected to the women all over the world and throughout time, so in touch with my body. After about an hour in the tub (with contractions coming every 40 seconds and lasting 40 seconds) they all helped me out (all working their hardest to ensure that no baby fell into the tub) and got me to the bed where they broke my water.

Then came the part I didn't love as much. A super intense 10 minutes of trying to "breath my baby out" instead of push her out (to avoid tearing). All I can say is that was the most intense 10 min of my life and i don't want to do it again anytime soon.

And then they place that little wet blue baby on your belly and everyone and everything melts away. There is absolutely nothing in the world like holding a baby skin to skin that has just entered the world. Emmeline didn't cry too much, just looked around, took it all in. Wordsworth said it best:

Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:
The Soul that rises with us, our life's Star,
Hath had elsewhere its setting
And cometh from afar;
Not in entire forgetfulness,
And not in utter nakedness,
But trailing clouds of glory do we come
From God, who is our home:
Heaven lies about us in our infancy!

It felt heavenly to sit there with that new little soul on my chest. To look into her deep eyes taking in the world. They didn't take her from me or Jeff for hours, not to weigh her, not to put goop in her eyes or poke or prod her. They just let us enjoy that "heaven" lying about her.

Oh, and then there was the surprise. Man were we ever surprised. They asked Jeff to announce what it was....a girl? Really? We were all so convinced it would be a boy. I think I mainly convinced myself of that because I so badly wanted a sister for Hazel and didn't want to be disappointed. So, there I was, so utterly happy with a little girl....but totally shocked.

After hanging out with Emmeline, checking her out, taking a bunch of pictures and recapping the birth with our awesome team they tucked us all in and we slept for a good 3 hours. I woke up every once in a while to watch little Emmeline between Jeff and I. Breathing peacefully with her little hands up by her face. It is amazing how instantly that mother love kicks in.

And finally, there is the utter magic of sharing this new little baby with older siblings. I was excited about this part, but the magic of it still totally amazed me (and continues to amaze me). These kids know this little soul and love her and it is sweet to witness.

Jeff went to pick them up in the morning. He said that Charlie was so excited that he wanted to rush out the door the minute he saw Jeff. Jeff didn't tell them the babies gender so they rushed in to the room and saw her all bundled up. After inspecting her for a second and guessing a little they decided that they'd have to take the diaper off to really tell....so we unwrapped her and did a diaper check. Hazel declared "it's a girl!" and charlie declared "she has a bagina!" Both seemed as pleased as punch to have a baby sister. Charlie kept (all day long) declaring that "we have a cute little baby."

We all hung out together and had breakfast there and counted all of Emmeline's toes and fingers and checked out her cord. Hazel was super interested to see the placenta....so Jeff and Charlie politely excused themselves (Jeff hates those things)to go and see the tub where Charlie splashed into the world. I think Hazel has a future as a midwife. She is quite excited and extremely curious about the details of pregnancy and childbirth.

It felt so good to be there as a little family. Somehow three kids feels so much more like a FAMILY. Big and chaotic and so full of love.

These first few days at home have been really amazing. Jeff has been so helpful and really done everything to care for me and the kids.

I want so much to freeze all the feelings and emotions and details of this week. Only a few days in my entire life will be like this (depending on how many kids Jeff lets me have).....I'm trying to enjoy every crazy, painful, exhausted, heavenly, magical moment.

I Heart the Cambridge Birth Center!

Over Father's day weekend we attended the Cambridge Birth Center's 10 year Anniversary party. I don't think I can describe my feelings for the Birth Center. I love that place. When I'm not pregnant I walk in there and it makes me want so much to have a baby (now, that's saying a lot!). And when I am pregnant I'm happy about it when I'm there. The people there are just so caring, and good and empowering. My experiences there both as a social worker (I discovered the birth center through my work with pregnant women in Cambridge and Somerville) and as a patient have given me such a happy perspective on pregnancy, labor and birth.
I have quite a few good friends who have given birth a the birth center. I feel such a cool connection with them.

This is our amazing Doula Lorenza. She was there for both Charlie and Hazel's birth. She is one of those great calm souls who has love and warmth just oozing out of everything she does. Jeff loves her as much as I do because he helped him feel comfortable with all the crazy birth stuff around him that would have normally freaked him out....and she gave him some useful things to do during my labors.

Someday when my brain isn't shrunken by pregnancy I hope I'll expound on why I love this place and what my experiences and the people there have taught me.

Charlie's First Easter

First Smiles

Eva's Pictures of Charlie (2 weeks old)

Even More of Charlie's birth

Proud Parents










Peace.





like father, like son









the tub where charlie landed (see birth story below)




she has no idea what this is going to mean for the life that use to revolve around her.......poor thing!

2 days old